Last Week
Last week was one of the roughest weeks I've had in a long time. Nothing earth shaking happened. I was struggling with a depression that was really bad. I guess there were things that aggravated the situation. It was bad. When you go through a day and the highlights of the day was that you watched DVD's for most of the day, because you didn't have to energy to do anything else, something is wrong. I wasn't sure if the depression was the result of my diabetes, or something spiritual or both. I reached out to ask for prayer and all I got was people giving me scriptures to read. I told my sister what was going on and she was going to bring me some sewing to do. My husband's answer was to work on my blogs or to write some short stories. All of this I am sure folks meant well, but when you have something like this attacking you, what you need is intercessory prayer. There is just no way around it. As I take the time to pray for people the Holy Spirit guides me in the dirrection to pray. Sometimes a prayer request is only the surface of a problem....
This isn't a complaint blog. I just want people to know where my heart is. A lot of you don't realize what it is like to have to rebuild a life . To not always know what direction you are headed in. When you have to start from scratch, when most of the things you are familar with have gone away and you are on a new road. The Road not taken by most people. It is a road with lots of curves in it. You can see a curve coming up, but you don't know whats on the other side, if it's a good curve or one with rocks and it might almost throw you over a cliff. I have come to the conclusion that I at this point cannot work a full time job. With my diabetes not all the way in control it would be hard. As my glucose levels get lower, when they are high, because of something you ate thinking it was OK, you feel sluggish and can't concentrate. You have to do things on a semi schedule. People don't understand that.
I feel so useless at times, I have work experience that no one wants, life experience that no one wants. There are times when people ask for volunteers, when I show up there seems to be a problem. I was asking about doing something with sound at church, they want me to run camera. I have no interest in running camera. I never did. From the time I got my first tape recorder at age 11, I have been interested in sound. Sharon and I used to do these crazy plays. We listened to CBS Radio Mystery Theathre and Unshackled and we made up plays and recorded them. We conducted pretend man on the street interviews, ect. I got up one morning and something said email the About the Wind radio. The next thing I know I got a call and I had a meeting with someone from that station. It was a volunteer situation. We shared testimonies, their vision for the station, what they wanted to do. Then he asked if I would do weather. I was so glad I could do something to help. That was fine. Last winter we needed weather forecasts and school cancellations. Those are things you can get from the web. They gave me the equipment to do the weather. I do it and email it to them. Right before that I had to give up my dreams of being in radio as I was before. I had to surrender all of those things to the Lord and say its OK if I never do this again. It hurt to do that. I emailed a friend about how I was feeling and it come back in big bold letter STAND STILL AND SEE THE SALVATION OF THE LORD. That was just what I needed to hear. So now I am doing some volunteer work on a limited basis. Just enough to keep my hand in it but not enough to overwhelm me.
I have knocked at many doors, since no one opened their door, I will just continue the process of rebuilding and letting God order my steps. As I said in an earlier blog, I am at home where I am supposed to be resting and healing. Sharon was kidding me once. She said that since I had worked 33 years, I ought to take 3 years off. I don't know about that, but I am going to finish my schooling.
I have to, I have no other choice. God is reorganizing my life... there was a song out a few years back called "Lord, My Desire," and part of it says "Help me hear Your Still Voice above all the other noise, so that I can be just what You want me to be. Lord my desire is to be like you..."
As I said earlier last week was rough. Keep me in your prayers. I want to do what God wants.
This isn't a complaint blog. I just want people to know where my heart is. A lot of you don't realize what it is like to have to rebuild a life . To not always know what direction you are headed in. When you have to start from scratch, when most of the things you are familar with have gone away and you are on a new road. The Road not taken by most people. It is a road with lots of curves in it. You can see a curve coming up, but you don't know whats on the other side, if it's a good curve or one with rocks and it might almost throw you over a cliff. I have come to the conclusion that I at this point cannot work a full time job. With my diabetes not all the way in control it would be hard. As my glucose levels get lower, when they are high, because of something you ate thinking it was OK, you feel sluggish and can't concentrate. You have to do things on a semi schedule. People don't understand that.
I feel so useless at times, I have work experience that no one wants, life experience that no one wants. There are times when people ask for volunteers, when I show up there seems to be a problem. I was asking about doing something with sound at church, they want me to run camera. I have no interest in running camera. I never did. From the time I got my first tape recorder at age 11, I have been interested in sound. Sharon and I used to do these crazy plays. We listened to CBS Radio Mystery Theathre and Unshackled and we made up plays and recorded them. We conducted pretend man on the street interviews, ect. I got up one morning and something said email the About the Wind radio. The next thing I know I got a call and I had a meeting with someone from that station. It was a volunteer situation. We shared testimonies, their vision for the station, what they wanted to do. Then he asked if I would do weather. I was so glad I could do something to help. That was fine. Last winter we needed weather forecasts and school cancellations. Those are things you can get from the web. They gave me the equipment to do the weather. I do it and email it to them. Right before that I had to give up my dreams of being in radio as I was before. I had to surrender all of those things to the Lord and say its OK if I never do this again. It hurt to do that. I emailed a friend about how I was feeling and it come back in big bold letter STAND STILL AND SEE THE SALVATION OF THE LORD. That was just what I needed to hear. So now I am doing some volunteer work on a limited basis. Just enough to keep my hand in it but not enough to overwhelm me.
I have knocked at many doors, since no one opened their door, I will just continue the process of rebuilding and letting God order my steps. As I said in an earlier blog, I am at home where I am supposed to be resting and healing. Sharon was kidding me once. She said that since I had worked 33 years, I ought to take 3 years off. I don't know about that, but I am going to finish my schooling.
I have to, I have no other choice. God is reorganizing my life... there was a song out a few years back called "Lord, My Desire," and part of it says "Help me hear Your Still Voice above all the other noise, so that I can be just what You want me to be. Lord my desire is to be like you..."
As I said earlier last week was rough. Keep me in your prayers. I want to do what God wants.
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