The Ebb and Flow of Grief
To those whom have recently lost a loved one, I am going to share some things about grief. Grief has an ebb and flow to it. One minute you could be laughing about something funny that you and that person did, the next your heart can feel like it's breaking over the loss.
My day started the same as any Monday, it was November 10, 2008. I woke up at 2 AM and couldn't get back to sleep. I quietly went out to the kitchen to do some work on the computer. I had a password and I could work from home. The past few days had been hectic. It seemed like the more we prayed the worse my mom got. I had a feeling that she wouldn't be around much longer. I stopped asking God where are you in this? I began to ask Him what was He trying to show us. The Friday before mom had a doctor's appointment about some upcoming surgery she was scheduled to have. Sharon and I made ourselves available to go with my dad to this appointment. My mom was just there. She had that blank stare, we would try to engage her in what was going on. Things like "Mom how do you like my new skirt"? Which outfit do you want to wear to the doctor?" She barely responded. We got her dressed and put her denim hat on. She had lost most of her hair and she wore hats a lot. We helped my dad get her in the car. He wasn't well himself and he was afraid he would drop her. We spent most of the day at the doctor. We got home at 5PM that evening, and we put Mom to bed and I lay beside her in the other bed and tried my best to get her to look at QVC. She loved QVC, she would call me and tell me to watch this or order things. She wouldn't watch it. She just lay there. I drifted off to sleep. My dad came back and I left. That Sunday was a good day for mom. Sharon and her daughter picked me up from work and we went over there. We were eating and talking. Sharon had made some homemade vegetable soup. My mom ate it and drank some Gatorade. Sharon asked if she wanted some more and she snapped back at Sharon."I'm not going to eat another drop". We were pleased because it was the first sign of spunk she had shown in many days. We stayed almost until dark and left. We kissed her goodnight and left. On that Monday, I was up restless, I didn't know why. I had a new outfit on, some new pants and a sweater. I was going to wear it and show Mom. My plans were to leave work a lttle early and go visit my Mom. At 11:30 AM , after Daniel Legg's program went off I saw the phone ringing. It was my dad, he said I am taking your mother to the hospital, then he broke down and said I thinks she's gone. He told me what hospital and I said I'd get there as soon as I could. I ran around through the station seeing if I could find someone to give me a ride, I started calling people. I finally got a hold of Mack Blankenship and he said he would be right up to pick me up. Then I got ahold of my mother-in-law and I talked to her while I was waiting. When conforted with an emergency I can think clearly, and I was telling her who to call, my pastor, work, Matt, ect. When I got to the hospital, I tried calling Sharon again while I waited to go in with my dad. When I did go in, he told me she is gone. In the meantime Sharon was calling asking what happened.
She and my aunt came, she had my cousin to go and pick the kids up from school. When she arrived, she almost passed out. Matt came then and helped me deal with Sharon, the kids came and when they were told, they stood there crying like babies. Nana had taken care of them since they were born.
They let us in to see, her, my dad kissed her. We touched her, I had two thoughts; Mom, you are not suffering now, and the other one was, I have lost my best friend...
We went back to my dad's house and I began to gather up my mom's things and put them away, upstairs. I was cleaning up like a crazy person. I didn't want people looking at her stuff. As people found out they began to come by. I took all of my moms jewlery with Sharons help and took it to my house and locked it in my cedar chest. We hid her medicines. We called more people and I went home to get clothes, because I was staying with my dad that night. It felt like a bad dream, I was thinking that I would wake up and things would be OK. I couldn't sleep much. I finally took Tylenol.
The next day we had to go and buy something for her to wear. At her death she weighed 135. She had weighed over 200. My aunt and cousin were our transportation. Sharon and I can't drive. My dad was too upset to deal with anything, we had to do it. My Mom had had me go with her to make arrangements for her parents when they died, so I had a little bit of experience with this. We had to buy a wig, clothes, houseslippers and all. We end up going to Charleston to buy a wig. Then we came back to go meet with the undertaker... There was discussion of when to have the services. My mom came from a family of 13, all of the wanted to come, she we had to have the funeral on Saturday..... All of this was going on and the folks at work, well, lets put it this way. I went up there at night to take care of things.
Sharon and I would sat up at night talking about the different things that mom had done. The funny stuff and how she worried about us even though she was sick herself. One minute we would be talking and laughing the other minute you would cry. Christmas was hard. Sharon and my dad didn't decorate. I did, because when I first looked at this house my mom being a woman of great faith said, Sandra you are going to get that house and she went to a yard sale and brought a seven foot artificial tree to put in the front window. I figured that if there was such a thing as coming back and slapping a person, she would do that to me because she loved Christmas.
My dad didn't want me and Sharon to come over at the same time, because it made him miss Mom. Last year was the first year we could have a dinner at his house. There is an ebb and flow to the grief process. There is no right way or wrong way to grieve. My dad made us clear all of my Mom's thing out the days after the funeral. This maybe was good in a way, but we wonder with our minds so fogged up with grief if we give away something we should have kept. I got most of her shoes, purses, we split the jewlery and saved some for Sharon's girls, for when they are old enough to appreciate it. I got the famous purple coat. I used to talk about this on the air. This is a really heavy coat that mom got at Value City. She wore it out to the Crossroads Mall and got really overheated. She said it was too heavy to wear unless it got really cold. As her cancer took over, it was too heavy for her to wear. She gave it to me because I was going to work at 4:45AM in the winter and needed a warm coat. When dealing with grief you end up having a new normal. Some things you used to do, you won't be able to do them for a long time if ever. Other things you will have to alter the way you do them. You just have to play it by ear and see. It will get better in time. Just give yourself the time..
My day started the same as any Monday, it was November 10, 2008. I woke up at 2 AM and couldn't get back to sleep. I quietly went out to the kitchen to do some work on the computer. I had a password and I could work from home. The past few days had been hectic. It seemed like the more we prayed the worse my mom got. I had a feeling that she wouldn't be around much longer. I stopped asking God where are you in this? I began to ask Him what was He trying to show us. The Friday before mom had a doctor's appointment about some upcoming surgery she was scheduled to have. Sharon and I made ourselves available to go with my dad to this appointment. My mom was just there. She had that blank stare, we would try to engage her in what was going on. Things like "Mom how do you like my new skirt"? Which outfit do you want to wear to the doctor?" She barely responded. We got her dressed and put her denim hat on. She had lost most of her hair and she wore hats a lot. We helped my dad get her in the car. He wasn't well himself and he was afraid he would drop her. We spent most of the day at the doctor. We got home at 5PM that evening, and we put Mom to bed and I lay beside her in the other bed and tried my best to get her to look at QVC. She loved QVC, she would call me and tell me to watch this or order things. She wouldn't watch it. She just lay there. I drifted off to sleep. My dad came back and I left. That Sunday was a good day for mom. Sharon and her daughter picked me up from work and we went over there. We were eating and talking. Sharon had made some homemade vegetable soup. My mom ate it and drank some Gatorade. Sharon asked if she wanted some more and she snapped back at Sharon."I'm not going to eat another drop". We were pleased because it was the first sign of spunk she had shown in many days. We stayed almost until dark and left. We kissed her goodnight and left. On that Monday, I was up restless, I didn't know why. I had a new outfit on, some new pants and a sweater. I was going to wear it and show Mom. My plans were to leave work a lttle early and go visit my Mom. At 11:30 AM , after Daniel Legg's program went off I saw the phone ringing. It was my dad, he said I am taking your mother to the hospital, then he broke down and said I thinks she's gone. He told me what hospital and I said I'd get there as soon as I could. I ran around through the station seeing if I could find someone to give me a ride, I started calling people. I finally got a hold of Mack Blankenship and he said he would be right up to pick me up. Then I got ahold of my mother-in-law and I talked to her while I was waiting. When conforted with an emergency I can think clearly, and I was telling her who to call, my pastor, work, Matt, ect. When I got to the hospital, I tried calling Sharon again while I waited to go in with my dad. When I did go in, he told me she is gone. In the meantime Sharon was calling asking what happened.
She and my aunt came, she had my cousin to go and pick the kids up from school. When she arrived, she almost passed out. Matt came then and helped me deal with Sharon, the kids came and when they were told, they stood there crying like babies. Nana had taken care of them since they were born.
They let us in to see, her, my dad kissed her. We touched her, I had two thoughts; Mom, you are not suffering now, and the other one was, I have lost my best friend...
We went back to my dad's house and I began to gather up my mom's things and put them away, upstairs. I was cleaning up like a crazy person. I didn't want people looking at her stuff. As people found out they began to come by. I took all of my moms jewlery with Sharons help and took it to my house and locked it in my cedar chest. We hid her medicines. We called more people and I went home to get clothes, because I was staying with my dad that night. It felt like a bad dream, I was thinking that I would wake up and things would be OK. I couldn't sleep much. I finally took Tylenol.
The next day we had to go and buy something for her to wear. At her death she weighed 135. She had weighed over 200. My aunt and cousin were our transportation. Sharon and I can't drive. My dad was too upset to deal with anything, we had to do it. My Mom had had me go with her to make arrangements for her parents when they died, so I had a little bit of experience with this. We had to buy a wig, clothes, houseslippers and all. We end up going to Charleston to buy a wig. Then we came back to go meet with the undertaker... There was discussion of when to have the services. My mom came from a family of 13, all of the wanted to come, she we had to have the funeral on Saturday..... All of this was going on and the folks at work, well, lets put it this way. I went up there at night to take care of things.
Sharon and I would sat up at night talking about the different things that mom had done. The funny stuff and how she worried about us even though she was sick herself. One minute we would be talking and laughing the other minute you would cry. Christmas was hard. Sharon and my dad didn't decorate. I did, because when I first looked at this house my mom being a woman of great faith said, Sandra you are going to get that house and she went to a yard sale and brought a seven foot artificial tree to put in the front window. I figured that if there was such a thing as coming back and slapping a person, she would do that to me because she loved Christmas.
My dad didn't want me and Sharon to come over at the same time, because it made him miss Mom. Last year was the first year we could have a dinner at his house. There is an ebb and flow to the grief process. There is no right way or wrong way to grieve. My dad made us clear all of my Mom's thing out the days after the funeral. This maybe was good in a way, but we wonder with our minds so fogged up with grief if we give away something we should have kept. I got most of her shoes, purses, we split the jewlery and saved some for Sharon's girls, for when they are old enough to appreciate it. I got the famous purple coat. I used to talk about this on the air. This is a really heavy coat that mom got at Value City. She wore it out to the Crossroads Mall and got really overheated. She said it was too heavy to wear unless it got really cold. As her cancer took over, it was too heavy for her to wear. She gave it to me because I was going to work at 4:45AM in the winter and needed a warm coat. When dealing with grief you end up having a new normal. Some things you used to do, you won't be able to do them for a long time if ever. Other things you will have to alter the way you do them. You just have to play it by ear and see. It will get better in time. Just give yourself the time..
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