Sometimes You have to Let Go

     There are some dreams in life you have to let go of. Even though letting go is as painful as having a tooth pulled or a minor surgery, you just have to let go.  I used to have a dream of working with youth. I had to let that go. I did that because the young people in my own life didn't want to listen or have anything to do with me. I helped with an awesome group of young people back in the 1990's . I taught Sunday School for the seventh grade at Memorial Baptist, I helped Charlie Scott. When he left to go on a mission trip I became the permanent teacher for that class. I taught there for almost two years. I have four of them as friends on Face Book. Which I find as a huge compliment that they remember me and friended me.  Several of them went into full time Christian service. After those two great years, the church got a new pastor and single people were pushed aside and the class was combined with the eighth and ninth graders. I saw those kids a few months later and they acted like they didn't know me.  I also taught at Mt. Zion Baptist Church, I was 22 when I started teaching. I wasn't always faithful  there, and the kids quit coming. Training makes a huge difference. I could tell after I took the teacher's training at Memorial. I even went to Ridgecrest, North Carolina to train to work with todays youth. I used to help chaperone trips, but some of the youth pastors didn't like the fact that, me and Matt wanted to help. They wanted complete influence over everything.. Even when I worked in children's church there was a group of people who questioned my qualifications and worked to undermine anything I did, so I backed off.  I finally let that dream go. I'm just afraid that I am going to turn into an old grouch.  Even now, I still have a feeling that I want to work with the college and career people. I was a successful single person and I could pass along pearls of wisdom , but no one wants my insights, so I just let that dream go. I had to , it was to painful to keep trying to bang my head against a wall and come up bruised and my feelings hurt.

     I had to do the same thing with my desire to have children and be a parent. I married at 41. I didn't want to be a single parent. I wanted to do things the right way, get married and have a child, but at 41, there are too many risks. Especially when I had blood pressure problems and Matt was a Desert Storm vet. They were exposed to chemical warfare there. He sometimes breaks out into an unexplained fever. We don't know what the cause is.  Some one asked us why didn't we adopt.  It can get expensive and sometimes people change their minds before the adoption becomes final.  When Matt and I used to work together, he told me that his nieces and nephew were here and they had gotten them settled in school, and the mother came to get them, there was nothing anyone could do, because she was the kids mother.  I think that is the only time I have seen Matt just about break down, outside of a death or someone being sick. He said he didn't want to go through that again. It was too painful. I respected his feelings so we don't have any kids. It still hurts especially when people ask us why don't we have kids and imply that either we are too busy with our careers, or just too selfish to have kids. Another dream I had to let go off.

     When God blessed me to go back to work. I wasn't sure and I am still not sure why I am there. I went in with ideas and excitement. I soon realized that things are not what they seem. People have their own plans and they don't have to ask you for your experience or ideas. While I am grateful for the opportunity, I get frustrated at times.. Shortly after I lost my job, I was courted, by another station and I was very excited to help them get things together, but all they wanted was information.  I remember coming home in December 2010 and coming upstairs to my study , which  used to be a bedroom where my Mom stayed, and I cried. I had to let go of that dream and realize that I might never work in radio again.  I remember breaking down into a sobbing mess and I heard something here and I could feel my moms presence here.  As I said God blessed me with going back to work, but it is different. I have no responsibility which I like, but I don't have any say either which I struggle with. SO I had to let that go as well.  I have to distance myself away from things and just do what I am asked to do. There are times I want to do more, but I hold back.  To put so much into something and watch it slip away hurts too bad. I saw things being half done and now trying to rebuild it is a delicate balance. I don't know if they realize how much I have done. I ask God each day how to approach it. He tells me to have a servant attitude, I am trying.  I am thankful for a praying church and caring friends who are praying for me. I had to let my dream go of doing what I used to do as well. I am working in radio for now, where ever God leads me, I will be ready.

     I remember someone saying as long as you hold on to the old, God can't bless you with new opportunities. So I had to let all of these things go so that God can bless me with new things. Behold, I was do a new thing. I was looking at TV the other day and someone said that 'when you care what you do for God, He can't bless you". I just want to be used in some capacity, I am not sure where all of this will take me, but I am open to let God use me in the way He sees fit. He knows my limitations and abilities, most of all He knows my heart. My prayer is as it always has been. Lord when You open a door, let me  know it is from You and have the sense to walk through it.  Right now I feel like God opened a door of opportunity to help me heal even more and also, put me in position for what He is about to do next.....