Bullying what it is and what it is not. Tales from a person who was bullied

Bullying

What prompted me to write this was the death of a nine year old due to bullying. It breaks my heart to know that someone felt maybe they had to  try to cry for help and it took an ugly turn. There is a book by Sheryl Woods “Catching Fireflies”, that tells the story of a teenaged girl who was a victim of bullying, because someone else’s boyfriend looked at her. In the book Misty Donavan was bullied. Fortunately, she had a teacher who suspected something was wrong and stepped in to help. I mention this, because of the way that the media has portrayed bullying. It is not, not being invited to someone’s birthday party, or being excluded from a group. Bullying makes you feel like you are not worth anything. It’s not just calling someone “four eyes: and other names. That is one form of it. The poem we were all taught in school “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt”. Words to hurt, they have a lasting impact on a person.

What makes a person bully someone else? I am not sure. Sometimes its jealously, sometimes it is things are not going good in their life so the person doing the bullying needs to make someone else feel less than or small. The person doing the bullying may be bullied at home by adults who want to teach their kids to be “a man” or “to be tough”. I have pondered this question ever since I read the story about the nine year old boy in Sophia who ended his life.  I have taught Sunday school, VBS and had dealings with children for many years and you see things, children picking with someone because they aren’t dresses in the “right” clothes, or they have a parent in jail, or maybe the stutter, or something else. I put a stop to it. I will not tolerate it in any form. All of us have a little something wrong with us, none of us are perfect.

I was bullied in school, so was my sister and I have two nieces that experience bullying at different stages of the school career. What makes a person who wanted to play basketball since the age of three give it up as a school sport? Bullying. What makes a person who had two back surgeries by the age of thirteen not ask for help and take detention for being late for class, because they didn’t want to ask to leave class a few minutes early so they could get to the next class or miss the bus because they couldn’t get to it in time? Bullying. What makes a person not dress for Phys Ed, because they were a little overweight and failed Phys Ed? Bullying.  What makes a person run home from school every day from the bus stop and not leave the house unless you went out with a parent or to church and not have many friends? Bullying. These are specific incidents that happened to me and people in my family. Some of these things were found out later, because when you are in the heat of the bullying you are afraid to tell anyone. You are afraid that (1) No one will believe you, (2) Reporting it can make things even worse, and (3) You think that maybe if you were tougher this wouldn’t happen and (4) You are praying for it to stop.

The experts say to tell a teacher. When I say this I know that teachers now have a lot to do. They are working with several IEP for various students. Mountains of paperwork, sometimes they have to go out of pocket for classroom supplies. Sometimes the teacher is so overwhelmed that they don’t or can’t pay attention to everything that is going on. I remember as a kid reporting something to a teacher. I was in the third or fourth grade and those who attended Piney Oakes know who I am talking about, no need to name names, but she said that she couldn’t pay attention to all of the kids in her class and I just needed to quit being so shy and timid. She said this in front of the whole class. So I just held it in. My parents wondering why I didn’t say anything I told them why and they went to the school and got the same results and again I got called out in class about it. Sometimes kids don’t tell parents either because they are afraid the parent will go to school and cause trouble. You just want the problem to go away.  Other myths about bullying include “Maybe they asked for it”. No one asks to be bullied, called out of their name (stupid, _itch and other names that are far worse). Sometimes you have a disability that sets you apart. You didn’t ask for that disability. I certainly didn’t ask to be born with albinism. It is genetic; there is nothing that can be done about it. I was told I needed to get a suntan and dye my hair by a boy at the age of fourteen and maybe he would like me. I was crushed, but I said to him why don’t you go and __ yourself. I was and am still treated as if I am stupid or I am not the sharpest knife in the drawer, well I have no pigment in my skin, but I have plenty of brain cells.  I said not to make anyone feel sorry for me. I just want people to be aware of the impact bullying has on a person..

Another myth “Kids will be Kids”, of course they will be kids, that’s why they need discipline. If you see your kid teasing someone, call them on it let them know that that is not acceptable behavior.” My child wouldn’t do that”; yes they will. When you aren’t around and a kid wants to fit in with a certain group, they will do whatever will help them gain credibility in that group. Your kid will do whatever they are big enough to do. You have to pay attention.  Parents you need to know what your kids are doing on the IPads and computers, you need to know who their friends are and if there is a change in behavior find out what is going on.

I was bullied in school. This was over forty years ago and yes it left scars. Most of them are healed now, and I realize that seventh graders are horrible people. They can’t help it. Hormones are raging, bodies are changing and there are certain things expected of people at a certain age. I looked a lot older than I was. I was 11 years old entering Park Jr. High, this was in 1969 we were some of the first classes to integrate schools. I had come from Piney Oakes Elementary School which is an all-black school. We had white teachers there,  I thought that things would be different once I got to junior high, because there were people there who looked a little like me in skin tones. Boy was I wrong. I can’t recall particular incidents. I know that I was not as mature as other girls and I didn’t have any friends. I finally got several friends or people who were nice to me halfway through the year. There was a group of girls from Crab Orchard that were particularly nasty to me. I knew what they were doing, but I let it slide, they thought they were getting away with something talking to me like I was stupid. I didn’t even try to defend myself I just wanted them to go away and leave me alone. By the time I reached 8^th grade, I had had enough. I remember going off on some boy, because he said something to me. I beat him with my purse. I think he thought I went crazy. I started picking on others if they ignored me or something. I started getting in trouble at school. I remember having to go to the office after getting in trouble with one of the students and Mr. Evans said “Why can’t you be like your mother, she was always a good student?”  All I could do was cry. I cut classes and got in trouble with Mrs. Mitchell in gym because the choir had a concert and I had just had my wig fixed and didn’t want to mess it up so I faked being sick and she sent a bunch of us to the office and we got suspended. I think Mr. Cook was responsible for that and then I got in troble with Mrs. Davis in science class, because she treated me like I was stupid. Well I smarted off at her and got suspended. I didn’t want to tell my parents so I came to school anyway and avoided the office, almost made it through the day when Mr. Cook caught me and called my mom. I couldn’t explain to my mom why I was doing what I did. This was in 1971. Someone told my dad about years later. He was in the hospital and one of my former classmates was working there and saw me and he told her that I was his daughter and she told him how the teachers used to treat me. Of course parents don’t know what to do when they hear something years later except to apologize/ There is a reason your kids may be acting out or in a certain way find out why. My mom actually believed the teacher and I got the beating of my life. If you could have been put in jail for child abuse my mom would have went. I guess she was doing what she thought was right. Back then I was a smart alack teenager. I am not sure why, I guess I was tired of people picking on me. As I developed in to a teenager I became known as a “slut” This had nothing to do with boys, it had to do with the fact that I was wearing a 36D bra. I had to be fast with the boys to get that way.  People were always trying to get me to go with them to a party or a game. I was too afraid to go with them, because they were trying to get me to do something stupid so they could laugh at me. They would offer me drinks, but I had been told by my grandmother never leave an open drink sitting unattended out anywhere because someone could put something in it. Always bring your own drink with a top and keep it with you. People tried to get me to go to Lester to the dances; I was afraid and not allowed to go. My mother told me that when she was a teenager in Mabscott, she and some of her friends from Mabscott came to Beckley and they went with their boyfriends and left her stranded in Beckley, and my dad saw her and called a cab to take her home. I was afraid that would happen to me or worse.

Here is the deal; parents watch what you say in front of your kids, about people. They will develop the same attitudes as you do. Parents know your child, if they start acting out of character find out what is going on. Yes you can go to the school, but listen to your child as well. Your child may be a quiet person, but they turn in to a mouthy smart alack, something is wrong, or your child suddenly becomes withdrawn something is going on. During my high school years, I became withdrawn. I would come home and sleep. My friends were the characters on the soap operas. There may be other signs as well. Pay Attention!!!  Ask questions.

 I am hoping that this blog will share some insight on the bullying issues and this may help someone.